The sadness of moving on

Today was the boys' last day at their preschool. Wednesday they had a graduation ceremony with songs and diplomas and merriment after. Today they were celebrating all the summer birthdays and just ahving a fun last day with their friends.

I picked them up with Ciara in tow and their teacher said to the boys that in September it would be Ciara's school since they would be in kindergarten. Then we said our goodbyes and the boys hugged her and we wished her to have a nice summer. We walked to the car and they all got in while I climbed in back to buckle them. I think that all of a sudden it hit Gavin that he would not be at this school again. He wouldn't see his teacher and all his friends. He asked me "Am I never coming back here?" I told him that no, he'd be going to a new school in the fall. The same one his cousins attended. I thought I saw a quiver in his lips but then he climbed in the car so I didn't push it further. He got in his car seat and turned around and said "I think my teeth hurt." I asked why he thinks that and he said "I think my teeth hurt and that is why I feel this way". His lip quivered again and I gave him a big hug and he just broke down. He cried and cried and cried that he wants his friends to be in his new school too. I racked my brain and could only think of one boy for certain that would be at his school and of course, this is a boy he was not particularly close to so that did nothing. I started to well up myself at the intense emotions Gavin was feeling at the moment. He is not always one to put his feeling out there and tries to put on a brave face when he is feeling uncertain. I guess this wave of emotion was just too much for him.

I had promised them McDonald's for lunch but decided to drop Aidan and Ciara at my parents so Gavin and I could go alone to get the food and bring it back. On the way we talked about feeling sad about leaving one place but the excitement about starting in a new one. I explained how each year you get older and need to learn new things and that is why we have to move on. Once you learn all you can in preschool, your brain needs more challenges and so you go to a whole new grade to get those challenges. I think he understood and right now seems to be digesting everything.

This had to have been the hardest moment for me as a parent so far. I have been trying not to dwell on the fact that my baby boys are going to be 5 and will be off to the "big school" in a few short months. I have been trying to act like it is no big deal and remind myself that I am not the only parent that has to go through it. I suppose I have also been trying to act brave for the boys because I don't want to project my emotions on them and ruin the excitement they feel about starting kindergarten.

I guess I learned today that it's ok to show them that I feel sad, too. But I hope that I can also show them that I am excited for them to begin this new adventure and I'll be with them every step of the way.